I haven’t written anything in a while because I’ve been crazy busy.

It feels good.

I enjoy myself more when I am kept busy. Which is probably because then I don’t have time to think too much. I’m trying my hardest to stop over thinking but since I’ve been doing it all my life I’m sure it’s only a matter of time. Lately I’ve been focusing on fulfilling my immediate needs and not trying to plan/live out my ideal life. It’s hard to do that when you don’t have a clue what it looks like.

This post is so bad that I’m contemplating deleting it.

But maybe in it’s horribleness there is truly greatness to be found.

Pfffff, whatever.

Make sure you check out my other blog.

www.runkraigrun.com

The blog is purely on my running experience, so it has to be good. Right?

I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I feel obligated to pay back my debt somehow. Just for being here, I feel like I owe my life to everyone in the world. That pressure is constantly weighing me down. It makes me feel like I need to go to school and use the ability and talent that I have to it’s fullest extent. It makes me want to join the Canadian Forces and give my life for my country in the most selfless way possible. It makes me think that by not having a plan or by not having a direction I’m wasting my life.

You can be whatever you want to be, but make it the best that you can be.

I always feel this pressure, I always feel disappointed in who I am. I can be more, I can be better. Right now I’m here and I don’t want to waste it, I don’t want to squander this life of mine. Mediocrity and banality seem to be permanent residents in my life. I will never measure up, I can never measure up. Thoughts of possibilities consume my life. How can I make this world better for everyone? How can I make life better for many? How can I lead a satisfactory life?

There is no answer and there are no priorities.

I think life as I know it is going to have to take a back seat for a while. Time to put childish ways behind me and just start contributing. No matter how small. No matter how insignificant. Anything will be better than what I have been doing.

I’ve had a song on repeat for quite sometime now. The chorus is just, “I’m done and I’m tired”. I’ve been ‘done’ for a long time now and I’ve been ‘tired’ for even longer. Nothing has gone my way since I quit ministry but that is exactly why I quit. I was ‘done’, I was ‘tired’.

You only have so much to give, only so much to invest before you have spent everything. If you can’t figure out how to replenish yourself than you’re going to continue on in that rut until you do.

I gave all that I had and when I was weak, when I was ‘done’, when I was scared, when I was ‘tired’, when I couldn’t give anymore, they began to take. I have a hard time recognizing the man that I am these days. I’ve never recovered. I feel like I’ve tried it all. I am ‘done’. I am ‘tired’.

I used to be full of passion, full of meaning and full of character. Now I’m full of apathy, full of mediocrity and full of hesitation.

I’m ‘done’.

I’m ‘tired’.

The top ten things that have changed about me since moving here two and a half years ago, all describe using only one word:

• Mortgage
• Running
• Happiness
• Purpose
• Commitment
• Music
• Integrity
• Confidence
• Priorities
• Style

This one took a while.

The following is a list of the top ten things that I find to be funny:

• Sneezes
• People jumping from something that happened on the tv screen
• Giant phones
• Asking someone ‘did you see what I did there?’ and then proceeding to explain to them what you just did
• Amos
• Telling someone ‘don’t tell me what to do’ both for the irony and for saying it when someone is trying to help
• Jon
• Debating what is more realistic about a zombie apocalypse
• Idiosyncrasies
• When people boast wildly about something insignificant that they did

In no particular order.

If I had to find a word to describe how I’ve felt all day it would be disturbed. I know there has to be a better word out there somewhere but it doesn’t reside in my vocabulary.

I woke up with an extremely bizarre dream prominently placed in my mind, my mouth was horribly dry and my stomach was in my throat. Since then I’ve tried to interpret the dream, find moisture at every turn and settle my stubborn tummy. Nothing has been successful. The dream continues to haunt, my mouth remains deserted and my stomach has now found comfort within my head.

What a horrible day.

I’ve had no control over my emotions and the day has been riddled with revelations that I don’t recall asking for. I hate feeling helpless, being restless and bottling everything up. There needs to be an outlet. However, despite the wretchedness of the day, I am reluctant to admit that it is good to know that I do still feel on a deep level. It has been a long time since I’ve felt this uncomfortable. As sad as it is, I do hope that this disturbed feeling will embrace me tomorrow morning.

Feeling something is better than not feeling at all.

“For someone who has quit jobs, left relationships, forgotten dreams, and often quit when the going got tough, running has been the exception. I haven’t quit. I’m not going to quit, even if I take a break. And in that I take enormous pride.” – John Bingham

I know I’ve only been running for about seven months now but this is how I feel. It’s not just about the fitness, it’s not about the final destination or even about bragging rights. Running is about how it makes you feel. It’s extremely therapeutic. I never expected to enjoy it as much as I do but I know that I will never stop. It gives me energy, satisfaction and removes stress.

This is relational progression as I know it:

• Unknown
• Recognize
• Acquaintance
• Friendly
• Friend
• Person of Interest
• Interested
• Like
• Really into
• Really into liking
• Maybe Love
• Love
• Head Over Heals Love
• No Going Back Love

Tragedies tend to mean more to me than anything else. I learn more from a tragedy than I do from anything else in life. What is there to learn if you’re happy? But when something tragic happens you find out who you really are. Not just who you wish you were.