I almost had a tire blow up on me today.

I’m still a little on edge about it. When a truck tire blows, it has potential to be fatal. I’ve heard a lot of horror stories about tires blowing up on people and I don’t want to become one of those stories. It’s fairly terrifying.

I ripped apart this tire and checked it through and through but found nothing. So I replaced the stem and threw it back together. The thing about truck tires vs passenger tires is that when a tire is “run flat” you can easily tell on a passenger tire. On a truck tire it’s a little bit more covert. I begin airing up the tire and get about 50 or 60 psi in it and then I hear it. What’s often described as a popcorn sound and in the industry is commonly known as a tire zippering. I checked the front of the tire and couldn’t see anything so I checked the back of it. I noticed that there was a broken cord on the back and the longer that the air was hooked up to it the more the cords began to break. Bulges in the tire began to show up all over the sidewall. I yanked off the air line and at this point tried my hardest to keep calm. My heart was in my throat.  The cords continued to break but at a slower speed. The core was still in the valve stem so all of the air was remaining in the tire. I had to reach directly beside the failing sidewall to be able to remove the core in order to release the air. My hand trembled as I attempted to remove the core. All I could think was if this thing blew right now I would be messed right up. I had to calm myself down, force a few long breaths and then go for it again. I was able to get the core out and the waited 10 feet away from the tire until the air was completely gone.

Yikes!

I had this image placed in my head.

I was walking with a large group of people. These people are the ones that I’ve seen every week since I moved here. Everyone is have a great time just talking, laughing and moving forward. We are out in the wilderness heading down a wide dirt path. It isn’t long before we reach a fork in the road. Directly ahead of the fork is a hill which is the reason for the fork. The path to the left heads toward a forest. It’s hard to tell if the path actually leads into the forest or just heads along side of it. The path to the right heads down into a gorgeous valley, one that stretches on for miles and miles.

Everyone in the group is completely self involved and follow each other down the left path. I’m left standing at the fork, as everyone is walking by, thinking that we should be going right, not left. No one seems to notice my gesturing right. And after the entire group has already made their way past the fork I begin to head right.

Alone.

My current job is physical. It’s very physical. But for some reason it doesn’t just drain me physically, it drains me emotionally too. I just don’t have anything left at the end of the day. I’m expressionless and I’m exhausted. I know I just need to get back into shape. I’ve been out of it for way too long.

This is the closest video I can find that shows you what I do.

My friends are creative, they are insightful and they are opinionated.
My friends work in service, they work with white collars and they go to school.
My friends care about style, they care about trends and they focus on intelligence.
My friends know where they’ve come from, they know where they are and they know where they are going.
My friends speak their minds, they live by their convictions and they don’t hold back.
My friends know what truth is, they experience it and they live it.

I have great friends, I don’t know why they accept me and I wish I could see the world as they do.
I’m not like them, I will never be like them and I’m not even sure if I want to be.

Yes. I’ve done it.

After a year and a half I’ve changed the name to this site. The previous title was double sided. It was a quick nod to those who are aware of my comic strip character and it also described the way I felt I was living my life. The sub-title was another description of how I viewed myself as well as a quote from an awesome tv show. This new title is from the same tv show and is also from the same character in the tv show but also is a more accurate description of how I view myself at the moment. As for the sub-title it is simply a great quote that has helped me get from the previous title to my current one.

As mysterious and unspecific as the previous paragraph was, I feel it still explains what it needs to while retaining the necessary ambiguity.

Every time I think I’m done, a dream happens and she’s pushed back into the foreground.

Why can’t I move on?

I have a hard time believing that I will be able to feel this way about anyone else.

Why should I move on?

When I think about where she is right now, I just seem to know that she’s not thinking of me.

Why won’t I move on?

I don’t know.

Back in highschool I used to make montages for everything. I would carry a camera around with me and tape everything I could and then I’d go home and “edit” the footage with two VCRs.

Last night I had another dream. In the dream, I had remembered that for one of my birthdays all of my friends planned a huge appreciation event. It was a big surprise and everyone was dressed up in prom-ware except me because I wasn’t told to dress up. If I had been told I would’ve realized that something was up. So the night was filled with eating, laughing and presentations.

After recalling that this took place I also remembered that I had made a montage for the night. The montage was short and to the point until the end. She was the focus of the last half of the video and since the evening was dedicated to me it was essentially her telling me what she thought of me, telling me how she felt about me and telling me all the good and all the bad.

I woke up in such a great mood.

On the way to work a song came on that seemed to capture our real and true situation.

“Tell Her This” – Del Amitri

Tell her not to go
I ain’t holding on no more
Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time

Tell her not to cry
I just got scared that’s all
Tell her I’ll be by her side, all she has to do is call, all she has to do is call

Tell her the chips are down
I drank too much and shouted it aloud
Tell her something in my heart
Needs her more than even clowns need the laughter of the crowd

Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think to much
But say nothing at all
And tell her from this high terrain, I am ready now to fall, i am ready now to fall

Tell her not to go
I ain’t holding on no more
Tell her nothing if not this; all I want to do is kiss her

Tell her something in my mind
Freezes up from time to time.

I haven’t written anything in a while because I’ve been crazy busy.

It feels good.

I enjoy myself more when I am kept busy. Which is probably because then I don’t have time to think too much. I’m trying my hardest to stop over thinking but since I’ve been doing it all my life I’m sure it’s only a matter of time. Lately I’ve been focusing on fulfilling my immediate needs and not trying to plan/live out my ideal life. It’s hard to do that when you don’t have a clue what it looks like.

This post is so bad that I’m contemplating deleting it.

But maybe in it’s horribleness there is truly greatness to be found.

Pfffff, whatever.

Make sure you check out my other blog.

www.runkraigrun.com

The blog is purely on my running experience, so it has to be good. Right?

I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I feel obligated to pay back my debt somehow. Just for being here, I feel like I owe my life to everyone in the world. That pressure is constantly weighing me down. It makes me feel like I need to go to school and use the ability and talent that I have to it’s fullest extent. It makes me want to join the Canadian Forces and give my life for my country in the most selfless way possible. It makes me think that by not having a plan or by not having a direction I’m wasting my life.

You can be whatever you want to be, but make it the best that you can be.

I always feel this pressure, I always feel disappointed in who I am. I can be more, I can be better. Right now I’m here and I don’t want to waste it, I don’t want to squander this life of mine. Mediocrity and banality seem to be permanent residents in my life. I will never measure up, I can never measure up. Thoughts of possibilities consume my life. How can I make this world better for everyone? How can I make life better for many? How can I lead a satisfactory life?

There is no answer and there are no priorities.

I think life as I know it is going to have to take a back seat for a while. Time to put childish ways behind me and just start contributing. No matter how small. No matter how insignificant. Anything will be better than what I have been doing.