Now many people think that it would be great to be a thinker and others don’t care, but let me explain to you how it is. Some of your best times are with yourself just thinking, but then again some of the worst times are by yourself. You realize too many bad things about your life. You always think “Hey, I should be doing this” but that is as far as you get.

You usually feel like an idiot around your friends cause they always use big words or even semi-big words that you can never understand and you’ve asked for clarification so many times that they now mock you for it. So you just say well what’s your definition of that word or act like you know what they are talking about. You think so much that before when you used to have emotions and you realized alien truths about yourself you’d go through those emotions but now you feel like you’ve used up all of your emotions because all you know is happiness and confusion. You try to predict what will happen so nothing will go wrong but it usually ends the way you least expect it to. You can’t stay mad at someone for more than 5 minutes cause you realize that you will regret it later. You can’t talk to people about anything because you’re afraid of their response. You don’t get embarrassed because it’s happened to you so much in the past.

You always find a new problem just so you can do something. Nothing ever goes your way. You have good friends but you fear to get to know them cause you know sometime in your life you will lose them. Other people never know how you feel. You always are thinking even if you’re talking to someone you’d still be thinking of something non-related and the only good thing is that no one else knows you’re in pain and that time and money mean nothing to you. Now if that isn’t the life of a thinker than I’m not a thinker cause that is my life!!!

Today I’ve realized and can comprehend a new way of thinking, no… a new way of being or even feeling. I’ve found utter happiness, the ultimate high, and then to top it off with God, well… I never truly knew what happiness was until this day. And if I knew how to explain it then I would, but there is just no way. I just realized so much about myself that I… well overloaded and am now just overcome with joy and compassion for life. Maybe I was filled with so much hatred that boom… I discovered… no I won’t continue… cause all of my thoughts that I have ever thought aren’t down on paper, not even 1 percent of my thoughts are written down. I think and realize then.. I forget… that thought is now ready to be thought of again as if it were completely new… yet this time I go deeper. And this keeps happening until you finally have the complete thought… and realize so many things that it overwhelms you and you realize so many things that you have no control over, or that you have control over yet you for some reason decide not to use it and then when you do… Well… Joy to the world.

I was thinking earlier today and I realized one thing, that’s that no one on God’s green earth knows me as much as I’d like them to I was told once that my first impression is exactly who I am. I’m not sure if this guy was serious or not but it really made me think. Am I that shallow? That what you see on the outside is all that is in the inside? And this lad that said this knew me fairly well. So I came to the conclusion that no one really knows me. It’s not I wear a mask or anything it’s just that I’m phlegmatic that even if you get to know me, you still won’t know me because my one only true emotion is sorrow. Everything else has the same expression. I’m the hardest person to read because there is always something going on in this little mind of mine that is able to convince smart people that I’m very intelligent but just don’t try, and am able to convince dumb people that I’m in the same boat as them all just by being myself. But really I’m just an underachieved potential waiting to relax in a self motivated future. And what all that means is that I have potential but just don’t us it. With that previous sentence I probably convince you if your smart that I’m intelligent, and if your dumb all I proved to you is that I like to sound smart or rather, try to sound smart.

Now, there is one topic that I’d like to address about me that no man alive believes and no woman alive can relate. I’m 19 years old and to this very day have never had a crush on anyone. Let me explain myself, to me a crush is simply liking someone enough that I would want to go out with them, correct? Okay well I simply have not liked anyone enough to go out with them. I do, of coarse, have my favorites when it comes to girls but don’t like any of them enough to date one of them. You see I’m a “Bachelor for life” who wishes that everyday was his “Last Day Single” Meaning that I’m someone who has never and may never have a girlfriend but will always wish he had someone to love. You see I think that dating is for one purpose only which is to find that “special someone”. Now, let me explain the “Bachelor for life” phrase; I am simply 90% loved by girls but they know that they could never date me because I’m not their “type”, 9.9% hated by girls, and 0.1% crushed on by girls. Since I wish everyday was my “Last Day Single”, I decided to take one of the two people in the 0.1% and get close to them just simply because I wanted to be loved and cause everyone else was dating. I got close to this one girl, I got to know her *NOTE: before I continue I must admit I had no feelings for this girl and my only intentions were to satisfy myself with a temporary fling* I realized my intentions the whole time but pushed God and Jiminy Cricket away. I enjoyed all the attention that I got out of it, and was quite proud of myself that I was thrown into the soap opera crowd. We never started dating at all though. After about a month of getting to know this particular girl I felt shameful and couldn’t figure out what I was doing so I told her how I felt or rather how I didn’t have feelings for her. She gave a line similar to “It’s okay but we can still be really good friends” and she meant really good friends. So I agreed and by the next day we were still cuddling on her basement couch, I tried not to but she kept persisting that good friends do that sort of thing. She read it from a magazine. Well, it must be true than, if a girls teenage magazine says it’s alright then by all means. I was just to shy to disagree and to bold not to do it. (I am the biggest momma’s boy. That you will ever find I love my mom and love a good cuddle.) But my only problem was that she wanted more out of the relationship. Gradually I tried to pry myself away from her but as her best friend puts it she “Manipulated” me I tried my hardest to get away but the last thing that I wanted to happen was for her to get hurt. She was already attached in such a way that she tried to get in cahoots with my mom. But, thankfully I’m a momma’s boy and my mom already knew the story.

I always hated the sad endings, that might even have something to do with the fact I’ve never dated anyone. I’m just so afraid that I might have to break up with someone and hurt thier feelings that I’d just sooner not date. And this girl didn’t help that fear at all.

I tried almost everything, setting her up with someone else, staying out in the cold so I could get sick, and I even tried just straight forwardly telling her but I really hate confrontation. And so I did the only thing that I could, I did the most cowardly thing possible. One day in psychology class we were passing notes to each other and she asked me what was wrong and so I threw everything at her. Well, okay all I basically said was that I didn’t want to talk or be with her ever again if it meant that she would treat me the way she did. If you want the exact quote just ask her because she still has the note. But my hand was almost shaking when I gave her that note and well… All I wanted was out, and when I saw the look on her face go from complete sincerety to hatred/bitterness I was relieved…. Relieved that she didn’t like me so much that she’d break into tears. We went our seperate ways and didn’t talk since. I found out that about a week later at a “girls’s day” she had read everyone the letter and cried her eyes out I felt so bad but still glad that it was over. Never again will I put anyone through something like that. I do wish with all my heat though that this would be my “Last Day Single.”