Can I buy a vowel?

My whole life has been about what’s next. Looking forward into the future with disbelief. Disbelief in myself. I’ve always been complacent with where I am now and always wanting to force change. Where does it come from, who knows? My therapist, maybe. We moved around a few times when I was a kid and when grade school was over I went to a different high school than the rest of my peers. In the first 2 years that I was away from home I lived in at least 8 different places. Jobs are sporadic, while friends seem to be revolving.

Expectations have been one of my biggest motivators. Not in a good way either. I tend to get to the point in a job where people begin to truly rely on me and want to offer me an overwhelming amount of responsibility. I say overwhelming because of how quickly they offer it, I generally don’t have much experience by the time they want me in charge of something. In the end I’ve taken these positions because that is what you do. Someone offers you a promotion, you tell your friends and family and then they tell you to take it. After thinking about it you take it. That is how things work.

Shortly after that, though, I always runaway. I’ve quit jobs, moved to another town or I’ve even just not shown up. This is becoming all too familiar of a process. The fact of the matter is, when I do take the promotion I end up hating it. The typical reason is because there is a good amount of resentment but there still are plenty of other ones.

I want to work toward something. There is not one ounce of interest in me in working my way up through a previously defined company. I want to run my own company. My own. From scratch. I know, I know, if I was to take a promotion and stick with it I would have a lot of good experience. But I would hate myself and everyone that works with me. It happens. I’ve made my list and I’ve begun to work at it. As trivial as they might seem, these are important to me.

With this list in mind and knowing that I enjoy learning, I’ve decided to attempt to work toward number five. This is something I’ve always wanted to do but have never been able to find the time to learn. Well, I’m going to take the time now. Hopefully it won’t take too long but even if it does I know that I will be enjoying it more than the alternative.

I’m sick of inevitably disappointing everyone. So I will just do it first and get it out of the way. I rejected the promotion offer and from now on I hope that I will be able to live for myself and do what I truly want to do. Not what everyone else convinces me to do.