10 days, 3,887 km, accumulating 2 days of driving, 3 provinces and a lot of friends

I have nothing for you. No exciting speech, no vast declaration and no in depth revelation.

There are no words. Nothing to inform, express or distract.

You expect too much. These needs won’t be met, not now and not at the bottom of that plastic cup.

Forget about it.

I want a lot out of life. So much that for the past 10 years I’ve been trying to figure out where to begin. Jumping from job to job and town to town hoping for opportunity to present itself. And yes, opportunity has presented itself. But when it does I just start thinking about everything else that I want to do and let it pass by.

Scatterbrained. I can’t settle down, I can’t focus.

Now I know what I didn’t before.

Maybe that will make it easier, maybe that will provide some clarity and maybe Ruby Soho will be able to help.

I can’t imagine what take two is going to be like. Harder than take one I’m sure. Take one still lingers in my mind. With it being so fresh how can I focus effectively on take two? I still wish I could redo take one, I know I would do it better. As much as take two is take one all over again it still has it’s own differences.

I’m not sure how I feel about take two. There are already signs of similarities and dissimilarities.

I sit here on my love seat that I’ve moved onto my balcony, sipping a virgin caesar and listening to Foo Fighter’s “Razor” on repeat. (Don’t read anything into the song) Staring at the bristling leaves and feeling the cool breeze on this perfect close to a summers day. My feet are right where they should be, resting on the ledge of the balcony, this coupled with my aged and perfected slouch I sit here content. Completely satisfied with how things are at this moment. I am happy. Occasionally these times do arrive. As much as others may not know it, I do in fact enjoy life.

This week I have quite possibly been thinking hourly about quiting. I know myself well enough to know that I am not typically a hasty man and so I won’t be quiting any time soon. I don’t enjoy my job, I don’t enjoy what I do and I definitely don’t enjoy someone telling me that I don’t know how to do my job. This all seems to be occurring more frequently. Which in itself makes work less appealing these days.

All of this aside, I don’t have trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I can recall back when I first did tires that on my way to work I would pause at this stop sign everyday. Every single day I would stop and carefully look left then carefully look right. To my left was the number one hi-way and to my right was the shop. I would have to conscientiously make the decision to turn right. I don’t have that problem at the moment.

Being able to talk to someone, even if just through text, helps. I am grateful for that. I appreciate the e-mails and the encouraging words. There is no guilt or manipulation, just an appropriate response. I am too independent for my own good.

I don’t know what “God” has in store for me.  I’ve stopped looking for reassurance after ever little detail. As much as I am sure we would all appreciate clarity I just don’t know if it is in the cards.

As usual, I am tired.

Kraig

P.S. No apology necessary.

There’s a good amount of things in life that we do, not because we want to, not because we should, but because we have to.

I don’t like my job. At all. I enjoy some of the people, I enjoy being on the road, I enjoy going home at the end of the day, I enjoy standing around after closing time and talking about nothing, I enjoy my responsibility, I enjoy free coffee and I enjoy grateful customers. These are the things I enjoy.

There isn’t enough of them to get me through the day.

Can I buy a vowel?

My whole life has been about what’s next. Looking forward into the future with disbelief. Disbelief in myself. I’ve always been complacent with where I am now and always wanting to force change. Where does it come from, who knows? My therapist, maybe. We moved around a few times when I was a kid and when grade school was over I went to a different high school than the rest of my peers. In the first 2 years that I was away from home I lived in at least 8 different places. Jobs are sporadic, while friends seem to be revolving.

Expectations have been one of my biggest motivators. Not in a good way either. I tend to get to the point in a job where people begin to truly rely on me and want to offer me an overwhelming amount of responsibility. I say overwhelming because of how quickly they offer it, I generally don’t have much experience by the time they want me in charge of something. In the end I’ve taken these positions because that is what you do. Someone offers you a promotion, you tell your friends and family and then they tell you to take it. After thinking about it you take it. That is how things work.

Shortly after that, though, I always runaway. I’ve quit jobs, moved to another town or I’ve even just not shown up. This is becoming all too familiar of a process. The fact of the matter is, when I do take the promotion I end up hating it. The typical reason is because there is a good amount of resentment but there still are plenty of other ones.

I want to work toward something. There is not one ounce of interest in me in working my way up through a previously defined company. I want to run my own company. My own. From scratch. I know, I know, if I was to take a promotion and stick with it I would have a lot of good experience. But I would hate myself and everyone that works with me. It happens. I’ve made my list and I’ve begun to work at it. As trivial as they might seem, these are important to me.

With this list in mind and knowing that I enjoy learning, I’ve decided to attempt to work toward number five. This is something I’ve always wanted to do but have never been able to find the time to learn. Well, I’m going to take the time now. Hopefully it won’t take too long but even if it does I know that I will be enjoying it more than the alternative.

I’m sick of inevitably disappointing everyone. So I will just do it first and get it out of the way. I rejected the promotion offer and from now on I hope that I will be able to live for myself and do what I truly want to do. Not what everyone else convinces me to do.

I’m walking to my service truck and happen to end up walking the last 15 feet beside someone I’ve never met before.

“Hey” He says.

“Hey” I respond, and then nothing for the next few steps.

“I knew I was meant to be rich”, he proclaims.

After a few more steps I’m at my truck and he keeps walking. Now this in itself is strange enough but he just got out of a shiny new Cadillac and is wearing quite “nice” clothes and has a fairly recent haircut. His whole demeanor is of one who is relatively well off. Which begs the question.

Was he saying that he wants to be rich or was he bragging that he was rich?

Either way, this isn’t something you casually announce to a complete stranger.

I don’t think I’ve been able to truly relax ever since 2004.

That is all starting to change. I’ve been constantly looking forward and trying to plot out how I should accomplish all that I want to do. But never knew exactly what I wanted.

March 24th, 2009 I wrote an entry called Top 10. This entry is a list of the things I want to do before I die. It has been something for me to work towards, something to look forward to. This list took me a long time to fine tune and perfect it down to what I truly want. A little more than a year after I wrote this list, May 30th, 2010, I accomplished one of the objectives on the list. I ran a marathon. And the feeling that I got, the gratification of completing it. I’m hooked.

There are other variables that have added to it, but I’ve started to live now. To stop living in the future and just enjoy where I am.

I’m happier.

For now.

There are times when everything is thrown in my face. Dangling so close that I can’t see anything else.

Singledome.

Everyone is married or getting married. I don’t even have a girlfriend. Chances are that it’ll be a while until I do. I should be used to this… and I am. I’m just ready for a change.

Finally I’m ready for a change.